It always comes back to “bite you in the a**”

Everyone has heard the expression, “it’ll come back and bite you in the ass.”  That could not be truer in my case.  My first blog post talked about how I became a single mother (for those of you that didn’t get a chance to read it, check it out here.  I remember I had made a vow back when I was mourning the loss of my husband that I would never cry for him again.  At the time, I needed that so that I could focus on my girls and keeping my job so I could pay the bills.  I was basically in survival mode.

What I didn’t realize until much later was that I really wouldn’t cry for him, or anything else, from that point on.  Sure I cried when I was downing a bottle of wine but I never cried when I was sober.  I felt numb.  No emotions.  I avoided talking about Mike at all costs because I didn’t want to fall back into that depression.  When I did talk about him, I made sure no emotion crept out and if it did, I stopped myself.

Unfortunately, that became true for a lot of things, not just him or his death.  I would see my sister cry constantly when the Sandy Hook shooting happened or when the tornado in Oklahoma flattened an elementary school with kids still inside.  She would cry telling me about the news articles of these tragic events and while I thought it was sad, not a single tear fell from my eyes.  I didn’t even feel sad, it was just a sad event that happened.  I felt disconnected.

For the longest time after that, I kept wondering if something was wrong with ME.  Something had to be wrong for me, as a mother, not to feel sad or shed a single tear over tragic events.  It was at that time that I started to realize that I felt numb to a lot of things.  The only thing I remember feeling was angry and tired.  I was too tired of feeling angry and tired.  Things needed to change.

The light bulb went off and I finally made the call to a therapist.  That started in December 2012 and since then, I had been going every 2 weeks religiously.  I will never forget one session where my therapist pointed out that I don’t cry; that I stop myself before I start crying by looking up at the ceiling or changing the subject.  Having someone point it out really opened my eyes to the fact that I really sealed off all emotions.  I mean, I knew I didn’t feel right since Mike’s death but to have others noticed it just amplified it.

Before I moved from the Midwest, my therapist and I worked on trying to figure out exactly why I feel so numb.  She would ask me and I just didn’t have an answer for her.  I still don’t.  All I know is that I do get a little bit more (not much) emotional now a days.  Since the move, I’ve started seeing a new therapist and this is a topic that comes up often in many different scenarios.

It’s still something I’m working on but I didn’t realize that making that vow almost 4 years ago would cause this much trouble.  I hope to get to that point where I am more myself but how do I know what being myself really is anymore?  Only time will tell….

Abby’s Weekly Musings 11/12/17

Welcome to my weekly musings for the week of 11/12/17.  For many of us, we go through the motions of our daily lives and for those of us that are attuned to the hidden meanings that are in everything, this last week was an energy draining week!  It took me a bit to determine what I would write in this week’s post but as I sit here at my desk, I felt the need to finally type it out.  Here is what I’ve got for you:

30.  The Perfection of Your Life

Many of us have seen storms from a birds eye view – on the news of course – but none the less, there is a beauty in seeing it from that view.  While it is a beautiful site, within the storm, there is nothing but a violent experience.  This is also how many of us feel when we are dealing with the internal chaos that goes on in our heads and in our hearts.

Sometimes the chaos seems subtle or strong, whether it is internal or external.  Whichever the case may be, you have to know that everything is working out just as it should be.  There is a higher plan for those of you reading this today and while it may seem like you are losing hope, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you are feeling that there is no hope, that you are stuck or being denied, know that it is all unfolding the way it is meant to be.  Sometimes our perception of reality is different that what is really going on.  Every storm has to erupt at some point, so feel free to cry, scream, dance, paint, etc.  Whatever gets you to express yourself in the way that feels right for you.  Expressing yourself releases the energies that have been stagnant and that in itself, will help move things along.  Just remember that at the end of every storm, is the bright sun and in most cases, a beautiful rainbow.

Hope you all have a wonderful week!

Abby’s Weekly Musings – 11/05/17

Blogs are often used as an outlet, an online journal that most allow others to read.  In certain cases, people can find comfort in knowing that others are going through the same things or having the same thoughts.  Whatever the case may be, I would hope that those that come across my website will find something they can take away from my posts.

With that said, here are my little musings for the week:

17.  What is Already With You

Two hands opened up letting white butterflies free.  This image has a clear message: you hold in your hands that which you seek.  Have you been searching for something that you just can’t seem to find?  Maybe its as simple as car keys, or maybe its greater than that, like your next big business venture.  Whichever it is, it is closer than you think.  It may just be right under your nose!

You already have what you need and what you want.  That doesn’t mean that your search is over, no.  It means that you need to acknowledge that everything that is necessary for success is already with you.  You have everything you could possibly need to be successful.  You just have to learn to accept and believe this and then it will be possible for you.

While it might not seem like you have much to start with, or you feel that all you have to do is something small: an email to send, a simple decision to make, a conversation to start, etc.  No matter how small it is, it is that small task that will get the ball rolling.  Don’t make the mistake of believing that what you need is either behind you, with someone else, or hasn’t yet appeared.  Just take the step.

You are more than ready than you think you are.

How to discover your life purpose

Have you ever wondered about what your life purpose is? Maybe you’ve never even considered that you are here in the present to be apart of a greater cause. Whatever it is that has you wondering what you are meant to be doing, know that just being curious is the first step.

This article provides an amazing starters and questions to help you narrow down what your life purpose is. I’d love to hear your answers!