I was looking for something in my closet when I came across my journal from when Mike passed away. I didn’t journal religiously but I did write whenever I was feeling depressed or was missing him. Sometimes I was just so overwhelmed or stressed that I needed an outlet. That’s where my trusty purple journal came into play.
These entries were raw emotions and anyone reading them could tell when I was in a dark place and when I was feeling hopeful. As I look at this journal and read the entries, I realize that the biggest emotion that comes up time and time again is anger. I was very angry. I was angry at Mike for bailing on me and more importantly our girls. I was angry at life and I was angry at God.
The questions that kept coming up time after time was “what did I do wrong?” What did I say that day that turned the day’s events from planning a vacation to planning a funeral? Did he not think of his daughters? What do I tell them? How in the world do I explain to two girls that they’re daddy is gone, by choice?
The truth is that six years later, I still don’t know the answer to those questions. Sam was only two when he died and now that she’s in school, she sees that kids have their dads and moms. I won’t forget when she came home one day with a Daddy – Daughter Dance form. She told me that she couldn’t go to it because she didn’t have a daddy….what the hell do you even say to that??!
It’s something I still struggle with. I remember having these discussions with my therapist back when I was seeing her and it seems like there’s just no easy way to have that discussion with the girls. That’s not a discussion I’m ever going to be ready to have.
As I continue to read these entries, I see the emotions and the stress of adjusting to my regular routine without talking to Mike, crying on my way to work because I couldn’t text him “Have a good day babe. Love you.” Having to put the girls to bed without him there, adjusting to making EVERY decision. Then there was the stress of going through all of our things so that I could sell the house.
Like I said, A LOT of ups and downs but it’s true that it gets easier as time goes on. The loss isn’t gone, it’s just not as strong as it once was.
