Like many of you, I didn’t plan on being a single mom. I had my life planned out: college, marriage, kids, grandkids, etc. What I got instead was: marriage, college, kids, suicide, single mom. Yes, I said suicide. Everyone has their story as to how they became a single mom. I didn’t think I would ever be a single mom, let alone a widow at 27, but it happened.
I woke up on the 4th of July in 2011 and was planning our first vacation without the girls to NYC. It was going to be my husband’s birthday present. We had just finished up the last details of the trip and just a few short hours later, I had police and EMS at my house trying to perform CPR on my husband. To this day, those events are a blur.
In the days that followed, I went through the motions of planning a funeral and trying to figure out what the hell happened. See, what most people don’t understand is that suicide isn’t something that comes out of nowhere. The signs are there, small, but always there. It’s a comment here or there, it’s the sudden mood swings, it’s the actions that they take. It’s all there. But sadly, some of us don’t realize the extent of it until it’s too late.
It took me almost a month of crying and walking in daze to realize that I was a mother. That I had two beautiful girls that needed the only parent they were left with. I remember the day clearly, sitting in an empty parking lot during my lunch break crying uncontrollably. Right there and then, I made a vow to my husband and myself that I would not cry a single tear for him anymore (which btw came to bite me in the ass later & requires it’s own post). I would move on and focus my energy on our girls and giving them the life they deserved. Not the one they got because of a choice that was made.
Six years later, therapy, and a move a cross the country, I am finally able to breathe and be happy. I know I’ve got a lot of growing up to do as a mother and woman but seeing my girls happy is what makes all this worth it <3
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